i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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