So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You are the jesus of drinking
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
