I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
