the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
