I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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