He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
