OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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