I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
