dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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