shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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