Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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