When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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