I think im going to throw up on grandma
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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