dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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