So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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