i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
