Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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