Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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