Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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