I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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