so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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