I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
