The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
