My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
