So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
