went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
