I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
