Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
