**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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