I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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