She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
