The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
