Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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