I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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