you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
