you guys were way drunker than both of me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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