I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
