Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
