Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just forgot I was standing up.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
