i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
