I wish life had little blips of pornography
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
