It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
