I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
