just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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