I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
