I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
