Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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