i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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