She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
