I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You need a sexual gate keeper
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
