my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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