i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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