her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
